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    • This book is a must-read for parents contemplating divorce, those already in the divorce process and those who have a parenting plan in place. It gives parents important insight into the issues and real needs of children. Shannon has very important knowledge and wisdom to share with parents. I will recommend this book to all my clients who are dealing with parenting plan issues.
    • Albert V. Evans, Family Law Attorney since 1970
    • This book is a key practical tool for parents when life is in crisis. It will help to ensure that our unresolved issues start healing and do not dim the possibility of a joyful and creative life for our children. I truly thank you for gifting this book to the world.
    • Candice Bataille Popiel, coparent of a 7 and 8 year-old and co-author of Discovery of Glow
    • Shannon Rios' personal experience, research, and professional expertise offer compassion and respect to divorced and separated parents. If parents read The Fatal 7 Mistakes and apply all the practical tips this book offers, they will get along better with their parenting partners, heal from their divorce faster and help their children come through the divorce with their self-esteem intact. This book will help ensure families achieve emotional health despite these life-changing events.
    • Jody Johnston Pawel, author of the award-winning book The Parent's Toolshop: The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family
    • Shannon comes from personal experience and from the heart in her deep desire to help children of divorcing parents. Parents - read this book! You CAN move through the divorce process without injuring your children!
    • Margaret Paul, Ph.D., author/coauthor of "Healing Your Aloneness", Inner Bonding, "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?", and Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?.
    • As a mother of a 7 yr. old, going through a divorce, my main concern is the well-being of my child. This book was a godsend! It has helped me be the best mom for my son, while going through this difficult process."
    • Katy, mother of a 7 yr old.
    • This wonderful book should be required reading and writing for every divorced or never married parent. It also should be on the bookshelf of every mediator, counselor or attorney helping separated parents raise happier kids.
    • Dr. Shirley Thomas, Two Happy Homes: A Working Guide for Parents & Stepparents After Divorce and Remarriage and Parents are Forever: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming Successful Coparents After Divorce
    • Don't let the word Fatal in the title scare you, when you look inside, you will find Shannon Rios's book to be one of the best parenting after divorce books ever written. She has understanding, compassion, and an uncanny understanding of what children � and parents � need. I have seen many divorce books during the past 25 years, and while they are all helpful in varying degrees, if every parent could read Shannon's book, most of the problem suffered by children as an outcome of their parents' divorce would be substantially eased. This book should be required reading in all divorce classes."
    • David L. Levy, Esq., President, Board of Trustees, Children's Rights Council
    • For the divorced or separated parent who wants to raise emotionally safe and secure children: this book could be exactly what you are looking for. This book was easy to read, yet practically applicable, capable of bringing out the subtle actions and words that parents, hurting from their own divorce experience, may not realize are inadvertently hurting their children.
    • David Meggitt, Manager, Colorado Children's Program Betty Ford Institute
    • Parents of separation, divorce and conflict will find this book an invaluable and treasured guide�it's filled with heart-felt, sage, and practical advice. Shannon Rios shows parents how to ask themselves and their children questions that optimize healing and growth, even during times of conflict and difficulty. Children whose parents read this book will be lucky indeed!"--
    • Marilee Adams, Ph.D. Author, Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 10 Powerful Tools for Life and Work
    • Every so often someone comes along with the rare ability to see things differently and in doing so, changes our lives forever. Suddenly, issues that seemed so difficult to understand and actions that seemed too painful to take, begin to open up to an entirely new understanding that shifts our consciousness and heals our soul! It is this clarity of vision that Shannon Rios brings to her latest work. You owe it to yourself to read this powerful new book but more importantly, you owe it to your children.
    • Jeffrey Alan Hall, Author Speaker Teacher, www.jeffreyalenhall.com, A Course in Miracles
    • Divorced and divorcing parents and their children, regardless of age, will see themselves in this book. They will also recognize the author knows how easy it is to be ensnared in the traps she describes and how difficult it is to avoid them. She provides many prompts for improving self-awareness and exercises to aid management of tendencies harmful to children. Those able to follow at least some of her suggestions should be richly rewarded by improvement in the health and happiness of their children as well themselves.
    • Bonnie W. Camp, MD, PhD, Professor Emeritus, Pediatrics and Psychiatry University of Colorado School of Medicine

Parenting & Divorce: Meeting The Needs of Our Children Part 2

March 4th, 2014

See part 1 of this article here: Parenting & Divorce: Meeting the Needs of Our Children Part 1

Role of Parents During Divorce

At the end of this blog post is a tool entitled, The Parent’s Promise and no matter what stage of divorce you are in, some or all of these items will apply to you. This document was written by children of divorce for children of divorce. Please ensure that you are adhering to these promises should you move forward towards the divorce decision. Prior to, during, and after your divorce, when interacting with your children always ask yourself, “Is this behavior helping or hurting my child?”

Your role as a parent is to put your children first. No matter whose choice the divorce was or whose fault it was, one thing is for sure — it was not the choice of the children. We must look out for their best interests during this time.

Discussion

Communication

Communication is another responsibility of the parent. Depending upon the stage of divorce that you are in, it is very important for you to communicate with your children about this event. In the initial communication to the children, it is optimal if both parents can communicate about the divorce together; however this may not always be possible.

Children are very perceptive and it is best for you to be open and honest with them. It is very important that your children know you are not leaving them and that both of you still love them very much. For further information on communicating with your children about your divorce, please refer to the book, Good Parenting Through Your Divorce by Mary Ellen Hannibal (2002).

The Parent’s Promise

Written by Children of Divorce for Children of Divorce

For the greatest good of my child ______I hereby agree that:

  1. I will not speak negatively about my child’s other parent to my child.
  2. I will not say to my child “that (insert negative behavior or characteristic) is just like your father/mother”.
  3. I agree to not put my child in the middle of issues with their other parent (esp. child support).
  4. I agree to not use my child as a pawn to get back at their other parent.
  5. I agree that if my child’s parent has a new relationship that I will not speak negatively of this other person to my child.
  6. I will not expect my child to support my emotional health.
  7. I will periodically ask my child how they are doing.
  8. I will do my best to fully support my child during this process.
  9. I will allow my child to be a child during this time.
  10. I will seek outside professional counseling if I need to speak with someone about this situation or if I am having difficulty maintaining this agreement.
  11. I agree that if I do not uphold the above promises that I personally am not acting in the best interest of my child’s physical and emotional health.
  12. I will speak with my child’s coach/counselor once a month to gain further insight.

By agreeing to the Parent’s Promise I am accepting responsibility as a parent to provide the best environment possible during this transition for my child. In upholding these promises, I am also acknowledging to my child that they have no fault in this decision that was made by their parents. I am fully committed to the best interest of my child’s emotional and physical health during this time and to their future growth and development.

Honestly and with much love, I commit to this for my child. (Signed, __________)

Copyright Shannon Rios 2002. Reprinted by permission only.

Shannon R. Rios Paulsen MS LMFT (www.inlovewithme.com) has spent the last 12 years learning, writing, and coaching about self-love. She is a professional life coach and a licensed marriage and family therapist. She is the author of two best-selling guided meditations: The Healing Journey Within: Meditations for Abundance and Love, Volume I (Deserving) and Volume II (Manifesting). She also wrote the best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict (www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com).  Shannon lives in Denver, CO with her Swedish husband whom she met on one of her solo self-love journeys in Thailand.

 

Stay tuned as we answer more questions in this series.

               

Parenting and Divorce: Meeting the Needs of our Children Part 1

February 25th, 2014

Children are a huge source of love in our lives; they can say one sentence, bring a huge smile to our face, and remind us of the innocence of childhood. Children all deserve that time of play, laughter, and fun as they grow up. This blog series addresses what parents and other loved ones can do for children before, during and after a divorce. You can take this information and pass it along or decide to be mentor or positive role model for the children yourself.

happy children feeding ducks

Children are resilient and they will make it through this event. However, I also want you to know that your behavior and the actions you take will have a major impact on your children and their lives. It is very positive that you are reading this blog series. It says that you are curious and that you want to understand how your divorce may impact or has impacted your children.

I have had the opportunity to know many divorcing parents. From conversations with them and research I have done, I identified some questions you may be asking yourself: “What is my role as a parent as I go through this process?” “Why is thinking about the impact of divorce on my children important?” “What might my children be going through during this time?” and “What should I be doing for my children during this time?” I will attempt to answer these questions over the next few weeks.

Why is thinking about the impact of divorce on my children important?

It is very important to put children first during the divorce process. Research suggests that divorce can negatively impact children. We do know for sure that no matter what, divorce creates stress and disruption in children’s lives, which can be minimized if parents take time to understand the impact of divorce on children and what they can do to minimize that impact. In taking time to think about this impact, you are putting your children first.

Parents may not want to think that divorce impacts their children or read blogs such as this one that may invoke feelings of guilt. If this topic does bring up some feelings of guilt, take a minute to realize that taking a step to positively impact your child’s future should never entail any amount of guilt. The long-term benefits to your child will outweigh the feelings of guilt you may have ten-fold. I can tell you with great certainty that if you apply some of the advice put forth in this blog, you will be going a long way in assisting your children through this process.

Divorce is a decision that will impact your family for the rest of your lives. Take a few minutes to understand how you can play a role in ensuring that your children are well taken care of during this process. That is all that they can ask from you or that you can ask from yourself during this time. You have a lot going on, but taking time to think about your children’s needs is probably more important than you could ever imagine.

Stay tuned as we answer more questions in this series.

               

How to end the pain of a relationship

December 16th, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict,  available in print or PDF  at inlovewithme.com/books,  or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt about how to end the pain of a relationship:

Sometimes when relationships end, it can be difficult to move forward with our lives. We may choose to stay stuck in the pain versus push through it to move forward with our lives. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I still feel angry with my child’s other parent?

2. Do I still feel very sad, like I can’t move on because I am still upset?

3. Do I still blame my child’s other parent for my pain and hurt?

man and woman on beach

If you answered Yes to any of the above, you may be choosing, consciously or unconsciously, to stay stuck. You do have to move through the stages of grief, and there is no fixed time limit for that to occur, however, where ever you are in the grieving process, this chapter will help you move forward. This place of being stopped can sometimes feel safer and easier than taking the steps to move forward. It may be unclear to you what steps you need to take. The truth is that if you are choosing to stay stuck, you are choosing to not move on from this relationship. You could also feel that you are punishing your child’s other parent. However, you are truly punishing yourself and your child by not moving forward. While it may be true that your co-parent hurt you or wronged you in some way, the truth is that you were 50% of that relationship. You now have to make a choice.  You can choose to move on to create a healthy environment for you and your child or you can stay stuck in a place of anger and pain over a relationship that no longer exists. You can be the victim, but know that victims are not healthy parents.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best-selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               

How does counseling help kids of divorce?

December 3rd, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict, available in print or PDF at inlovewithme.com/books, or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt about counseling kids of divorce:

Spending time with a counselor provides your child with one-on-one time with an adult who is focused on them. This can be especially crucial if parents are struggling emotionally. When I work with children, we sometimes discuss and process difficult things. We also have fun together. I always spend some time with each child doing something that they enjoy doing. There is always time in my sessions where the child has complete control. Children can sometimes feel out of control during the divorce.
Children thrive when they feel that they are the focus of the session and this is special time just for them.

Someone to Share Their Feelings With: Children can share with counselors what they may be afraid to share with their parents. Your children may not want to share certain things with you for various reasons. The biggest reason is that they do not want to hurt you or your feelings. They want to protect you. Children are so amazingly intelligent. They have so many amazing thoughts and concerns going through their minds. You would not believe some of the concerns I have heard. I would never believe them had I not heard them directly from the children as I worked with them. Children may be afraid to share these concerns with you. They also may have been asked to keep secrets by one or both of their parents. Once your child trusts their therapist, they can share these concerns with the therapist. I tell all the children I work with that they can tell me anything and I will not share it with their parents unless it is a life-threatening situation and I have to tell. I do tell them that if I think we should share it with their parents, that we will discuss this. This gives children a lot of freedom in being able to work with me to process some deep fears. I want children to trust me because my goal as a therapist is to be there for them. If they can share something with me, and choose not to share it with their parents, I still believe that it is healthier because the child and I can process through the concern. They are able to release a lot of stress in sharing their fear with me. This promotes healthy development for your child.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best-selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               

Being Proactive: The effects of divorce on your child

November 25th, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict,  available in print or PDF  at inlovewithme.com/books,  or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt on being proactive with the effects of divorce on your child:

Young child holding yellow flower to her face

Some parents may feel bad that their child “has” to see a professional due to their divorce. You should only feel bad if you do not have your child see a professional. My model of working with families of divorce is a proactive model. I do not believe something has to be “wrong” with the child. Children need to process their divorce experience with a professional so that nothing stands in your child’s way of living to their full potential. Even in the best divorce situations, children still have huge feelings; acknowledging these feelings early on is healthy. With every child I work with, I work through the child’s concerns so they can let them go and move forward more easily in life. If they don’t acknowledge them now, they will have to do this work later and it will be far more difficult for them later in life. Give your child the gift of working with someone who can assist them now in living to their full potential. I prefer to work with children early on vs. later when they are having bigger issues such as failing in school, drugs, drinking, etc. I talked with a counselor who saw teenage children for many different issues. Her practice was not focused on children of divorce, its focus was teens with issues. She said, “Most of the children I see are children of divorce. That ends up being a focus of my practice by default.”

National studies report that children of divorce are referred for mental health visits about three times as often as children in two-parent, intact families. Please note, these are not proactive visits, these are children with issues after the divorce has occurred. This is my point. If we take care of children up front, they will struggle less and have to seek less counseling later as teenagers or in their adult years.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best-selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               

Get help to understand the needs of your child

November 20th, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict, available in print or PDF at inlovewithme.com/books, or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt on understanding the needs of your child:

Capture

You can contest everything else, but one thing that we know to be true is your child did not choose this divorce. I believe that since this divorce or separation was the decision of adults, you have the responsibility to make this situation the easiest possible for your child. Sometimes, you may feel put out. I am here to tell you that your child feels put out a lot. It is important to realize how much your choices have impacted or will impact your child. Even if you feel that you did not choose this divorce/separation, you still chose this other person to have a child with. You must take responsibility and make this situation the best possible for your child. To do this, you must understand their needs…. Your child needs you to communicate with them… All children crave one-on-one time with their parents. This is so important to your children; it makes them feel special and loved. I advise parents to call this time “date night with the kids” or something similar.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best-selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               

How to Assess Conflict

November 18th, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict,  available in print or PDF  at inlovewithme.com/books,  or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt about how to assess the conflict level in your relationships:

Impact your Kids in a positive wayIt is time to lay down the weapons you are aiming at your co-parent. This is important so you do not harm your child in the crossfire. What weapons are you still holding? Weapons that hurt your child can look like anger, withholding visitation, child support arguments, old hurts, small issues you continue to bring up. We have enough war in this world, let’s not have war in our homes. You have direct control over this war.19 Take control and make peace for your child. Continued fighting is your inability to let go of this relationship emotionally. Make a choice to emotionally let all of this old anger that you no longer need to hold on to. Do not bring this anger into the new life you are creating for you and your child. Do this for your child. They deserve a peaceful life. If you are still fighting, you have not let go of this relationship on an emotional level. You must either make the conscious choice to let it go or seek professional assistance to do this.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best-selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               

Understand the Impact of Your Behavior On Children

November 14th, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict,  available in print or PDF  at inlovewithme.com/books,  or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt on understanding the impact of your behavior on your children:

Courtesy of David Castillo Dominici Freedigitalphotos.net

Always remember you are a mirror for your child. They model your behavior. You are the person they will learn the most from in their life. They spend the first 18 years with you learning how to be successful in life. If all you demonstrate is fighting and conflict, this is all your children will learn. They learn no appropriate conflict resolution skills. They will not learn how to functionally express their feelings and emotions in a healthy manner… Children learn from their conflicting parents to deal with problems with verbal and physical aggression. In my home growing up, the conflict felt non-stop. My parents lived in continuous fighting and anger without ever issuing an apology. When I went off to live at college, what do you think I created with my roommates? I created all that I had ever known, fighting and conflict. I could not get along with anyone I lived with. I cannot even explain to you in words the heartache and pain this caused me. All I wanted was to live in peace after all the fighting I had experienced at home, yet I had no idea how to live this way. I had never been taught the skills to effectively resolve conflict. I still gravitate towards just one good friend versus a whole group of people. The dynamics of many people together as friends can still overwhelm me. I was and am an amazing person; however, I did not know how to effectively live with anyone.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best-selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               

How Divorce Affects Your Child

November 12th, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict,  available in print or PDF  at inlovewithme.com/books,  or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt on how divorce affects your child:

Based on my experience working with families, I can tell you that I have seen that conflict before, during and after divorce creates pain for your child and will have a negative impact on them in some way. Your child will find some way to cope, which may result in very unhealthy choices and behaviors.

Studies have shown that boys and girls from divorced homes and conflict show a higher incidence of physical ailments, including asthma, stomachache and other stress relatedsymptoms. Parental conflict in the presence of children is also linked to psychological problems including: aggression, anxiety, depression, poor self-esteem, physical complaints and difficulty in school.

Another child quoted in Long and Forehand’s Making Divorce Easier on Your Child said:

“My parents would fight all the time. It got so bad that I started to get stomachaches and felt like throwing up. My mom thought I had some sort of illness and took me to a bunch of doctors. There was nothing wrong with me; it was just the fighting really got to me.”

file1591340859301Recently, I read about a 10-year-old child whose parents were in the middle of a terrible divorce. The book’s author had interviewed the child due to parental allegations of abuse. The author revisited the child 2 weeks after their initial meeting; this time in the hospital after the child had surgery to remove cancer. The sobbing child said, “I need a rest. Can I stay here?” I’m not saying that her cancer was directly related to her parents’ divorce. What I can tell you is that this child preferred being in a hospital to being in the middle of her conflicting parents’ divorce. She was crying out and clearly the stress was negatively impacting her life. Don’t allow this to be your child. I know you love your child. If you are in conflict with your former partner, make the changes you know are necessary to end the conflict now and improve your child’s environment, before it is too late.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best-selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               

How to Keep Your Children out of the Middle

November 7th, 2013

Along with producing many meditation CD/MP3’s, such as Meditations for Abundance and Love: Volume I Deserving and Volume II: Manifesting (available here at: http://bit.ly/meditat3), I have also written a best-selling book, The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict,  available in print or PDF  at inlovewithme.com/books,  or on Kindle through Amazon at http://amzn.to/TIRGz4. Individual chapters are also for sale on http://inlovewithme.com/books/e-book-chapters.

Here is an excerpt:

Stuck In The Middle Of Parental Issues

My mom used to ask my sisters to remind our dad to pay the car insurance or his child support. What do you really think this does for your child? When you ask this of a child, it puts them in a terrible position. You are asking them to deal with the disparaging remarks the other parent makes about you when your child asks them for the money, the insurance payment, or any other adult issues. This literally creates a feeling of hurt and upset in children’s stomachs. This type of situation creates excessive anxiety that can lead to the physical manifestation of illness. Remember, this divorce was not the child’s fault. Children do not choose this situation, parents do. So please be responsible for your own choices, be an adult and handle your own issue with your former spouse. Your child should never be your intermediary. They love both of you. Pay a mediator, if you have to, don’t harm your child.

Impact your Kids in a positive way

I used the word “stuck” in the past two headings for a reason. Children feel stuck or paralyzed when they are put in the middle of their parents’ divorce. This can have long-term effects. Growing up with parents in conflict, I was always worried I would make the wrong choice. I felt paralyzed as a child. It wasn’t until I traveled solo to Guatemala that I realized there really is no wrong choice. When children grow up in an environment of conflict and anger, they fear the repercussions of making a “wrong” choice. Your child also can feel so out of control, and may seek to control whatever they can in their life. Putting your child in the middle is a lose-lose situation for your child and you. It can lead them to feel helpless in their life.

Shannon R Rios MS is a successful Life Coach and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She coaches parents as a life coach through her life coaching business www.inlovewithme.com so that parents can move forward and create healthy lives and relationships with themselves, their children and others. She is also the founder of www.healthychildrenofdivorce.com

If you enjoyed this article, her best selling book on parenting after divorce and healing after divorce is The 7 Fatal Mistakes Divorced and Separated Parents Make: Strategies for Raising Healthy Children of Divorce and Conflict and can be found here: http://inlovewithme.com/books

               
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  • Be The Change

  • Let all of us, in our own unique way, recommit ourselves to the search for the pebbles of change that can be cast into the social pond. Let us create a divorce process that recycles divorce pain into new patterns of personal and familial growth which, in turn, will also strengthen our entire society. Let us protect our children from the unnecessary hazards of the divorce experience so that they, like their parents, can be strengthened by divorce rather than defeated by it. And let us never forget that if the lights go out in our children’s eyes, be they children of divorce or any other children, we will all live in darkness.
  • —Meyer Elkin, Editor AFCC
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